bah gawd, that's pollux's music!

This entry has been partially migrated over from my old blog. It was reposted here on 24 February 2023.

Everyone loves wrestling! [citation needed]

What D&D so rarely is and yet ought to be.

Here are the rules I used for grappling/brawling in my last home game, cleaned up a bit.


Closing on an armed opponent to start a brawl allows an attack first, unless by surprise. Brawling creatures each make a number of attack rolls equal to the number of free grasping appendages they have and compare their highest results. The winner subtracts the loser's roll from their own, and has that many Brawl Points to spend to use effects from the table below:

0 Shove. End brawl and disengage.
X Pummel. Deal X nonlethal damage.
2+ Shank. Deal damage with a small weapon. Cost increases by 2 per use.
5 Disarm. An item in the target's possession is now on the ground (double cost to keep it in your hand instead). Alternatively, you can draw an item from your inventory.
8 Lock. Target cannot use appendage. If head/neck is chosen, creature starts to suffocate. You may normally only maintain as many locks as you have free appendages.
12 Throw. Target flies up to 20 feet, takes 1d12+STR damage, and is now prone.
18 Ridiculous pro-wrestling finisher move. Target must save versus Death. If the save is made, the target is unconscious. If the save is failed, the target dies in one round.

Creatures in a brawl roll every round until one either disengages or is incapacitated.


For the past six years I have been conducting a phenomenological study of professional wrestling (fake, not real) and role-playing games (imaginary, make-believe). All my findings seem to indicate these past-times are actually mere expressions of a unifying Urgesamtkunstbereich, and that therefore elbow-dropping your kitchen table from the top of a ladder is perfectly acceptable conduct in Vampire: the Masquerade (despite the opinions of the so-called Supreme Court of the Commonwealth of Kentucky). I have been prevented from publishing my life's work and vindicating myself in the eyes of the law due to ceaseless interference from both Vince McMahon and Wizards of the Coast, who rightly fear my power and despise me.